randoms on an evening. or night, rather.

i love green fin- a white table wine that sells for about four dollars at trader joe's. very fruity, fragrant. the one thing i just can't figure out about it, though, is this "notes of orange blossom" thing. another wine i tried this weekend (at vosges, actually) had this in the inscription and i can't quite detect it. so, it's like, orange but also a flower? hmm. at this point i'm only able to identify orange, and flowery. separately. hmm. i need to get me some orange flower water i think.

also, olives (black, nicoise specifically) are a dream with dark chocolate. new favorite snack.

and, finally, oh do i love the kayoko, the beautiful truffle from vosges' green collection that just debuted. beautiful, buttery white chocolate encasing a vibrant green tea ganache. you bite into it, and it's like you've transformed, you're wearing a flowing dress and are standing in the dirt in bare feet. and you're eating candy grass, and it's not weird. fantastical.

food that inspires

i've decided to make it a point to document, in some fashion, my recent fantastic experiences with food and drink. i need to share but as it stands now the only person who really gets to enjoy all of it is my beloved ryan! so, here you (all?) are.

part of this is sudden feeling is due to my new job at vosges haut-chocolate (www.vosgeschocolate.com) as a seller and lover of chocolate. my mind has been blown and widened in the last few weeks, and continues to be as each day i try something new (or many somethings new!) and talk about it with my manager. it is so inspiring to have my tastes and my ideas challenged but supprted at the same time. apparently, i've shown so much enjoyment and interest in the flavors and textures that they've already decided to "promote" me (term used loosely) to ohare's first ever "food concierge." in exchange for the title i'd be involved in all of the extra foodie endeavors of the company, plan truffle/chocolate pairings with which to educate the staff, and possibly converse with katrina on conference calls about new products. has my day-job dream come true?!? i think so. speaking of katrina (as in markoff, the creator and ceo of vosges) , i've taken it upon myself to experience all of the recipes she comes up with and posts on her blog (www.peaceloveandchocolate.com). hence the need to express! so, here are my newest delights in the food world:

for the love of paninis:

three to be exact. the first i tried was made on a soft wheat bread (although the original recipe calls for bread like those below) with sliced organic bananas, a few squares of vosges organic peanut butter bon bon bar (deep milk chocolate, pink himalayan sea salt, maldon sea salt, and peanut butter- IDIE) and salted butter. i made this with my dinner with my first official chicago friend, lauren. (who may, for the record, love wine and cheese more than i. debatable, i know, but....)

i recognized after this first panini that i was going to be eating a lot of things between bread in the near future... so i proceeded to make my first ever classic tuscan loaf, out of the joy of cooking anniversary cookbook (thanks micah my dear!). this turned out fantastically, and i was armed for the next two, more savory, italian-style sandwiches.

enter bacon and chocolate, one of the best things ever in the history of all things that are the best things ever. this panini, made on newly baked bread, consisted of vosges deep milk chocolate and bacon bar, a slice of applewood smoked bacon, and my (perhaps brilliant) addition of red onions caramelized in a homemade vanilla sugar. (organic cane.) again, i'm dead, dead, dead and LOVING IT IN BACON+CHOCOLATE HEAVEN.

(speaking of which... pudding made of maple syrup, cream, vosges organic single origin milk chocolate scooped with a bacon spear... yeah. i made that last weekend.)

and the third, perhaps most bizarre but also fantastic panini idea from katrina: prosciutto (i found mine at the lovely local shop pastoral- www.pastoralartisan.com), buffalo mozzarella, nicoise olives, basil, and vosges organic single origin dark chocolate doused in extra-virgin olive oil. i've also made it with the mind-boggling organic enchanted mushroom bar from vosges (reishi mushroom powder + walnuts + dark chocolate) and have had it in some form for dinner the last three nights. a new love has surfaced, indeed. i enjoyed this one of the nights (or day, actually, with ryan!) with one of my new favorite spring wines, the vin-koru white table wine found at trader joe's for five bucks.

speaking of wine, i was introduced to colombelle (a fantastic french specimen) at tracy lett's party a few weeks ago. some lovely soul brought it, where i proceeded to consume two glasses of the stuff with my hip attached to the wine counter. no big deal. i believe it goes for nine bucks at whole foods, seven or eight at binny's if you're lucky enough to have one near you. very fruity and floral, as if you're drinking strawberry shortcake and smelling the spring outside. actually, so inspiring that ryan and i made his (grandmother's?) recipe for strawberry shortcake, which i don't know if i'd ever had before. and... wow. mmm, the warm shortcakes surrounded by a good vanilla bean ice cream matched with sugared strawberries... yes please. i wonder how it'd be if one soaked them in an aged balsamic vinegar? heavenly, perhaps. although i wonder if ryan would let me tamper so with a classic favorite of his.

and then there are these bacon-cheddar-chive biscuits that disappeared in record time (except for the few i've hidden in the freezer:) i had an abundance of chives growing on my windowsill and thought, what else? i have been on this bacon kick, after all. the recipe came from april's? bon appetit magazine. so pillowy, flavorful, warming... oooo.

that's all i can think of for the moment. oh, and i've just recently tasted taleggio cheese for the first time. soft, stinky, and packing a punch of flavor. vosges actually has a truffle-penned the rooster-that mixes the pungent stuff with walnuts, vanilla bean, and dark chocolate. woa. that was good. all of this will, i'm guessing, become more regular, as ryan and i have just signed up for our first csa. an abbreviation for "community shared agriculture," this basically means that we own a share of harvest moon farms in wisconsin, who once a week drive into chicago to drop off boxes of organic produce, cheese, and eggs (in our case) but can also include flowers and grass-fed, free-range chicken and beef (www.harvestmoonorganics.com). i was so proud and giddy to have finally signed up, i almost peed.

so, love to any and all out there! live and eat with a happiness and inquisition!

the books lyrics

lyrics to "a little longing goes a long way" by the books. it's so very tao te ching. love.

Yes and no are just distinguished by
distinction, so we choose the in-between.
Give up your books and put an end
to your worries. Enjoy central park in spring.
Our minds are empty, like we're too young
to know to smile.
We know to fear what others fear
is nonsense, right?

The books suggest we set our hearts
on doing nothing,
and then nothing's left undone.
Everybody's busy waiting for the go-ahead,
but by then their heads are gone.
Our minds are empty, grave as well as
strange. (Take this.)
We know to seek success is utter nonsense.
The best is to be blank.

standing still and learning to be astonished.

i did it! i stood on my head! three times!

i was so excited and surprised at my ability to do something i never thought i'd have to the strength to do that i wanted to stand up and cry out to everyone in class. and just like that, as i'm silently bathing in my excitement, sharon reminds us all to let go of whatever has just happened, good or bad. "detach it from your ego." she continues, "when we attached things to the ego, we become disappointed." and i thought, yes, this is true in all things. in yoga, in life, and most certainly in art, to which i give my life's work. and as we came back into the world and into ourselves after savasana, she read this poem, "messenger."

My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird —
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.

Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,

which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all ingredients are here,

which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.

Mary Oliver

and i thought, yes. yes, this the truth.

the beloved hafiz poem

Light
Will someday split you open
Even if your life is now a cage,

For a divine seed, the crown of destiny,
Is hidden and sown on an ancient fertile plain
You hold the title to.

love will surely bust you wide open
Into an unfettered, blooming new galaxy

Even if your mind is now
A spoiled mule.

A life giving radiance will come,
The Friend's gratuity will come -

O look again within yourself,
For I know you were once the elegant host
To all the marvels in creation.

From a sacred crevice in your body
A bow rises each night
And shoots your soul into God.

Behold the Beautiful Drunk Singing One
From the lunar vantage point of love.

He is conducting the affairs
Of the whole universe

While throwing wild parties
In a tree house - on a limb
In your heart.

Hafiz

over the hilltop, down in the valley.

i remember going downstairs, to the studio. my mother sat in a chair next to the wall of bookcases. she was looking at photographs of us when we were younger, and crying. i think this was sometime right before the divorce, and perhaps there was not only reminiscing but decision-making happening, as my father ended up with a number of pictures of us. i find it both circular and ironic that i sit now doing the same thing, with the same pictures. because the amount of childhood photos in which i am with my father is incredibly disproportionate to those i have with my mother. the same goes for today. he cannot walk a block without taking a picture of me next to a tree. literally. we once stopped at the top of val imm hill (at a stop sign, nonetheless. aren't you glad you weren't behind us that day?) to take a picture of me in front of some tree. he has this thing about pictures. as if he believes that if he documents the time spent with his children, it proves that his involvement in our lives outweighs the terrible deceit to which he's subjected us. he gave me a book of pictures of the two of us, some also with my brothers, for my high school graduation. it has a purple cover and an inscription: "good times." my mother once wondered aloud why he would give away those pictures, even to me. i realize now that maybe she wished they were not ones that she gave away to him years ago.

we've been spring cleaning, albeit preemtively. it turns out even chicago makes me antsy for spring. so i've come across these photos. so many photos, of my father and i.

he gave me a camera for christmas two years ago. i've only ever used it in italy, perhaps just to show him where i'd been and what i'd seen. my mother told me once it was the only place he'd ever felt comfortable. after being there, i can understand that, although he is still (and always will be) a mystery to me.

i've never been much for pictures.

"light will someday split you open, even if your life is now a cage."

and indeed it has.

i find it infinitely fascinating that my long-awaited initiative to start blogging has come at a time when i am making catastrophic discoveries in my life. especially within the last twenty four hours, i find myself at a place of great fortune, of enlightenment.

for those of you who may not know me, i have just recently (july to be precise) graduated from college with a mother degree, or at least it felt like one while i was in the process of acquiring it: a bfa in musical theatre. i completed it in four years, adding in some vocal jazz study and extra dance classes and capped it off with a study abroad in rome. in that time, i met many incredible people, a few of whom have moved me as if they were a mountain splitting the sky. i will never be the same after having attended msu over those four years. i was challenged in ways i never could have expected, although i did have some knowledge of what i was getting myself into and, i believe, fared very well considering the stress i could have undergone had i not had a wonderful support group and a beautiful hill to walk up everyday. and coffee. lots of coffee. and within a months of graduating, i have been involved in six pieces of theatre and will be starting my seventh soon. very lucky indeed, especially considering the market (chicago) in which i am working. as would be expected, my life has changed drastically in these last few months, and i do keep in touch with a few of my closest friends from those years. and although i miss them, i do not, in any way, miss school or the environment and the ways in which i've worked over the past four years. it seems that i have learned as much about myself lately as i ever did through dozens of classes and several years.

as of this moment, i love my life. infinitely and fully. i do not have a full time job (although this vosges position is looking as promising as ever and i am hoping to start within two weeks) and have not had one since i quit working at adesso. this decision to cut myself off from decent serving money is one of the best decisions i've ever made and has taught me an incredible lesson. i have decided that i will no longer work in an environment which is not sustainable and without passion and integrity. even if it guarantees a paycheck (lesson #1.) in a big city in a terrible economy, i am surrounded by unemployment, yes, but am even more suffocated by the sea of people who hate their jobs, who complain about everything there is to feel anything about, who rush from here to there in order to prove themselves to someone, somewhere in an endless cog of detached individuals. they forget that they have a choice. and always have.

so, my days consist of getting up in the morning (which i have grown to love) and making myself espresso before going to yoga, six days a week. i hardly ever made time for yoga in college, and all the while felt stressed, strained, and scattered despite my exercise in (very challenging and fulfilling) dance classes. and although i do not (due to finances) practice one ounce of what might be called "dance," i feel as connected to my body as ever. it's as if my whole mentality of chaos during school transferred into those dance classes; i desperately tried to build skills that i realize now take years and years to develop. i look back and see myself running from coffee to class to rehearsal to performance to the gym to food, and finally running right into my bed, where i crashed every night for what seemed like ages. to be sure, i am infinitely grateful for the skills and tools i was given to develop into the perfomer that i am now, the person that i am now, but i have learned (lesson #2) that i never again, ever, in all my years, will schedule my day down to the hour and cloud my life with responsibilities that when added up shall surely cause me to go crazy. i repeat, ever. the amount of pressure i put on myself (and others!), how i desperately felt the need to prove myself day in and day out, is something i would never wish on anyone. and what for? what is the point of teaching the world to run like a machine? it is not impressive because it virtually inhumane to achieve all of the things we pressure ourselves with, worry ourselves with. it is why we're all so angry, so upset, so numb. the practice of yoga, of listening to my breath, my body, my intuition, has begun to clear away everthing and allow me to focus on what's really important. and sharon. oh, sharon, i love you. one of the most wonderful teachers i've ever had. i think the whole world shoud be required to take a class from sharon and then make themselves lunch. after which they should be allowed to sit with their closest family and friends and enjoy this lunch as they bask in each other's company. and really listen. to each other, to the world outside. this is my hope for everyone, that they will allow themselves to slow down.

all of this talk of slowness has been prompted not only by my life after college but by the book slow food nation by carlo petrini, which i am reading currently. this usually happens in the afternoon following lunch and the reading of the paper. (the paper!!! things happen in the world that do not only concern myself and what goes on in the green room! oh joy! i know now where afganistan is. before the redeye, i did not. i have a college degree and never learned where afghanistan was because i was too focused on my performance projects.) carlo, being the good italian man that he is, is very adamant about his belief that everything, not only the production of food, needs to take a step back and evaluate. rid itself of unsustainable and unnecessary practices, and continue forward with awareness and joy. and the more i read, the more it all makes sense. yes, i realize, i do not currently have any "responsibilities" until 5 pm, when i walk to profiles' and perfom in the most challenging and invigorating piece of theatre i've ever touched, but, why, is that so bad? i feel so much more aware and open, as if i'm able now to do good, to help the world through lightness and consideration. doug, ryan's boss (i've spent many an hour at the pie hole cavorting with martinis in hand) always says, "what are you doing right now to spread good?" and if we're all so concerned about our deadlines and responsibilites, what can we really do? i'm coming to a place where the world is my priority, and this, oddly enough, seems like a possibity as everything else i regarded as law falls away.

and then they'res this show. killer joe. playing dottie is causing me to face so many of my fears and is the most challenging role i've ever had. not only am i naked in front of dozens of people every night, but i have been challenged by the director (rick snyder of steppenwolf, oh how infinitely lovely he is) to never smile. and, with the exception of the one moment where the script dictates so, i have not. a sucess. furthermore, he asked me to show, for the most part, no emotion throughout. needless to say, this character is absolutely nothing like me. it's refreshing. and i am realizing in working with this wonderful, small group of people that i have, for as long as i've been acting, desperately been trying to relate every character to myself, to tap into something in me that gets results on the stage. and this is not always possible. AH! HOW LIBERATING! it is not my responsibility to understand and consequently come up with emotions to displace onto a character! i love spending hours at the theatre, discussing humans and their infinite emotional possibilities with people whom i greatly respect and admire. with actors from whom i can learn so much. and what's crazy is that they respect me as highly as i do them! i've not had to prove myself to them, to show them that i've gotten an A in a hustoles class. because none of that really matters now. and, granted, that comes along with graduating from a school that was the world for years. of course then that was my focus because it was my environment. it was what i knew and what those around me knew. but now, NOW, i can let it all go. walk out on a stage and commit to something, connect with people without expectation. (lesson #3.) and with them, tell a story that has patrons curling up in their seats, covering their eyes, and blurting "what the fuck." (literally.) i am lucky. a lucky lucky person. and i realize now that it is my job to take the good i can do, the stories i can tell, and make them available to others. create positivity and nourishment in the world. but it all starts from inside. it's always been there, it's just taken time to find it. and i encourage and challenge the whole world, all of the people, everywhere, to take a step back and do the same. find the eye of calm in the center of the proverbial storm that so often is life. that's the thing, life is gonna be insane. insane and overwhelming and upsetting and exciting and sad and everything else. but we have the ability, and the power, somewhere in there, to step back and make a decision that will create change. it's just allowing ourselves to do so. challenging the limitations and the expectations. asking why. or more importantly, why not.

i'm going now to spend time with my lovely sir ryan. thanks to whoever is reading this. and really, think about it. i'm serious.