"light will someday split you open, even if your life is now a cage."

and indeed it has.

i find it infinitely fascinating that my long-awaited initiative to start blogging has come at a time when i am making catastrophic discoveries in my life. especially within the last twenty four hours, i find myself at a place of great fortune, of enlightenment.

for those of you who may not know me, i have just recently (july to be precise) graduated from college with a mother degree, or at least it felt like one while i was in the process of acquiring it: a bfa in musical theatre. i completed it in four years, adding in some vocal jazz study and extra dance classes and capped it off with a study abroad in rome. in that time, i met many incredible people, a few of whom have moved me as if they were a mountain splitting the sky. i will never be the same after having attended msu over those four years. i was challenged in ways i never could have expected, although i did have some knowledge of what i was getting myself into and, i believe, fared very well considering the stress i could have undergone had i not had a wonderful support group and a beautiful hill to walk up everyday. and coffee. lots of coffee. and within a months of graduating, i have been involved in six pieces of theatre and will be starting my seventh soon. very lucky indeed, especially considering the market (chicago) in which i am working. as would be expected, my life has changed drastically in these last few months, and i do keep in touch with a few of my closest friends from those years. and although i miss them, i do not, in any way, miss school or the environment and the ways in which i've worked over the past four years. it seems that i have learned as much about myself lately as i ever did through dozens of classes and several years.

as of this moment, i love my life. infinitely and fully. i do not have a full time job (although this vosges position is looking as promising as ever and i am hoping to start within two weeks) and have not had one since i quit working at adesso. this decision to cut myself off from decent serving money is one of the best decisions i've ever made and has taught me an incredible lesson. i have decided that i will no longer work in an environment which is not sustainable and without passion and integrity. even if it guarantees a paycheck (lesson #1.) in a big city in a terrible economy, i am surrounded by unemployment, yes, but am even more suffocated by the sea of people who hate their jobs, who complain about everything there is to feel anything about, who rush from here to there in order to prove themselves to someone, somewhere in an endless cog of detached individuals. they forget that they have a choice. and always have.

so, my days consist of getting up in the morning (which i have grown to love) and making myself espresso before going to yoga, six days a week. i hardly ever made time for yoga in college, and all the while felt stressed, strained, and scattered despite my exercise in (very challenging and fulfilling) dance classes. and although i do not (due to finances) practice one ounce of what might be called "dance," i feel as connected to my body as ever. it's as if my whole mentality of chaos during school transferred into those dance classes; i desperately tried to build skills that i realize now take years and years to develop. i look back and see myself running from coffee to class to rehearsal to performance to the gym to food, and finally running right into my bed, where i crashed every night for what seemed like ages. to be sure, i am infinitely grateful for the skills and tools i was given to develop into the perfomer that i am now, the person that i am now, but i have learned (lesson #2) that i never again, ever, in all my years, will schedule my day down to the hour and cloud my life with responsibilities that when added up shall surely cause me to go crazy. i repeat, ever. the amount of pressure i put on myself (and others!), how i desperately felt the need to prove myself day in and day out, is something i would never wish on anyone. and what for? what is the point of teaching the world to run like a machine? it is not impressive because it virtually inhumane to achieve all of the things we pressure ourselves with, worry ourselves with. it is why we're all so angry, so upset, so numb. the practice of yoga, of listening to my breath, my body, my intuition, has begun to clear away everthing and allow me to focus on what's really important. and sharon. oh, sharon, i love you. one of the most wonderful teachers i've ever had. i think the whole world shoud be required to take a class from sharon and then make themselves lunch. after which they should be allowed to sit with their closest family and friends and enjoy this lunch as they bask in each other's company. and really listen. to each other, to the world outside. this is my hope for everyone, that they will allow themselves to slow down.

all of this talk of slowness has been prompted not only by my life after college but by the book slow food nation by carlo petrini, which i am reading currently. this usually happens in the afternoon following lunch and the reading of the paper. (the paper!!! things happen in the world that do not only concern myself and what goes on in the green room! oh joy! i know now where afganistan is. before the redeye, i did not. i have a college degree and never learned where afghanistan was because i was too focused on my performance projects.) carlo, being the good italian man that he is, is very adamant about his belief that everything, not only the production of food, needs to take a step back and evaluate. rid itself of unsustainable and unnecessary practices, and continue forward with awareness and joy. and the more i read, the more it all makes sense. yes, i realize, i do not currently have any "responsibilities" until 5 pm, when i walk to profiles' and perfom in the most challenging and invigorating piece of theatre i've ever touched, but, why, is that so bad? i feel so much more aware and open, as if i'm able now to do good, to help the world through lightness and consideration. doug, ryan's boss (i've spent many an hour at the pie hole cavorting with martinis in hand) always says, "what are you doing right now to spread good?" and if we're all so concerned about our deadlines and responsibilites, what can we really do? i'm coming to a place where the world is my priority, and this, oddly enough, seems like a possibity as everything else i regarded as law falls away.

and then they'res this show. killer joe. playing dottie is causing me to face so many of my fears and is the most challenging role i've ever had. not only am i naked in front of dozens of people every night, but i have been challenged by the director (rick snyder of steppenwolf, oh how infinitely lovely he is) to never smile. and, with the exception of the one moment where the script dictates so, i have not. a sucess. furthermore, he asked me to show, for the most part, no emotion throughout. needless to say, this character is absolutely nothing like me. it's refreshing. and i am realizing in working with this wonderful, small group of people that i have, for as long as i've been acting, desperately been trying to relate every character to myself, to tap into something in me that gets results on the stage. and this is not always possible. AH! HOW LIBERATING! it is not my responsibility to understand and consequently come up with emotions to displace onto a character! i love spending hours at the theatre, discussing humans and their infinite emotional possibilities with people whom i greatly respect and admire. with actors from whom i can learn so much. and what's crazy is that they respect me as highly as i do them! i've not had to prove myself to them, to show them that i've gotten an A in a hustoles class. because none of that really matters now. and, granted, that comes along with graduating from a school that was the world for years. of course then that was my focus because it was my environment. it was what i knew and what those around me knew. but now, NOW, i can let it all go. walk out on a stage and commit to something, connect with people without expectation. (lesson #3.) and with them, tell a story that has patrons curling up in their seats, covering their eyes, and blurting "what the fuck." (literally.) i am lucky. a lucky lucky person. and i realize now that it is my job to take the good i can do, the stories i can tell, and make them available to others. create positivity and nourishment in the world. but it all starts from inside. it's always been there, it's just taken time to find it. and i encourage and challenge the whole world, all of the people, everywhere, to take a step back and do the same. find the eye of calm in the center of the proverbial storm that so often is life. that's the thing, life is gonna be insane. insane and overwhelming and upsetting and exciting and sad and everything else. but we have the ability, and the power, somewhere in there, to step back and make a decision that will create change. it's just allowing ourselves to do so. challenging the limitations and the expectations. asking why. or more importantly, why not.

i'm going now to spend time with my lovely sir ryan. thanks to whoever is reading this. and really, think about it. i'm serious.